One Woman's Search For Her Truth*

I haven't blogged since mid May as I was relucent to share any of my inner most thoughts for some time--  So many reasons of course for as with anyone much of our inner lives are personal & profound due to our relationships with what some may term as our higher selves, I refer to this as my relationship with God.  I was raised in the Jewish faith & come from a long line of people who lived in Austria-Hungry, Russia, Poland, Spain & eventually the United States from where I was born & raised.  I'm a typical,  yet non typical baby boomer-- a lot of what I experienced growing up could be a chapter from Howard Fast's novel "The Outsider", an excellent short novel of his which pretty much touches on my parents situation after WW ll.  It must have been most challenging for them raising a young family first in the Bronx, NY & then in a small working class town outside of Hartford, Ct.  We moved quite a bit during those formative years of my childhood & I know it was most difficult for my mother a rather Billy Joel kind of-- "Up Town Girl", she was from Brooklyn & my father was from the Lower Eastside of NY, both very historic these home towns of my parents.  I have memories of one of my early address's--  Trinity Avenue the Bronx, NY, it was a good place to live, & as a little girl with my curly brown hair could have recited the line --"just right" in regards to my early life in the Bronx.  I attended PS27 for the first half of Kindergarten before moving to Connecticut-- right after this Constitution State's historic flood of the mid 1950's.  I can recall being shown the new dike which was within walking distance of the garden apartment complex in which we were living, it was a hugh grass covered embankment created to hold back the river in future flood times. All I knew then was that it was a major flood & the dike would  keep us safe which was good to know for we lived so close to the Connecticut River.  I've had many an address change since then-- New Britain, Ct.,  Skowkie, Il. & then back to East Hartford as per my father's job & my parents choice of housing local had us dotting about a bit on the map.  The good part was I learned to be adaptable as being the new girl in the neighborhood & classroom was of course challenging, but socially it all worked well.  Academics was a different story as it was then that my relationship with mathematics got jolted out of sequence.  I manage fine now in the numbers world, but to this day it's like a Ringo Starr song which makes me chuckle-- "It Don't Come Easy..." I do love Ringo what a talented spirit!      

On May 29th of this year I turned 59, true I've struggled in the numbers game since age 9 or so as I mentioned earlier, but not enough to make me oblivious to their importance.  This I feel has become my coming to terms year:  A lot of what I've been forced to come to terms with as I shared earlier is most personal, as why muddle the waters--- all I can say is that our childhoods do travel with us throughout our lives, like a river--  & everyone has something they are either working on to overcome, or to improve upon in their lives & their characters, our collective-- human condition. One of my long time favorite playwrights is Eugene O'Neil.  Some scenes from his play "Long Days Journey Into Night"  though as vividly wretched as some of those scenes are, they hit home in a way that not even Shakespeare touches upon for me.  Here I  am now, finally,--  learning to come to terms with my own mother's illness--  how it affected my childhood family-- my grown siblings & myself.  It does color one's world in a most interesting way.  All I can simply say is-- "Thank God for the arts & Thank God for God & all of God's Blessings*----

"Lot's Life"

Say these words..........

may I be blessed, 

Say these words is it a test---

Say these words my heart does heal

Say these words we do not kneel

Say these words we stand so tall

Say these words it strengthens all  

Say these words God transcends all

Say these words in "Days of Awe",

Say these words we need God's Ark

Say these words when paths seem dark,

Say these words & never fear

Say these words for God is near:

"God is great

 God is good"

treat each other as we should.

God does care when we do fall

Heals the sick & loves us all

God doth teaches-- 

use your heart

use your mind,

use your spark,

Use compassion

reject hate

embrace kindness

know one's fate

Know that lots are random picks

& are truly measured sticks,

know the sword is a stick too

made of metal-- a forged tool

Know we're granted wisdom, choice

yet the fool doth has their voice.

Listen deep, & listen hard

Listen to the great beyond....

          ***Amen***